I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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