Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
