i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
