I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
