My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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