it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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