gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
