It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
