white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
