1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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