his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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