I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
