I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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