I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
