It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
