sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
