Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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