I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
