the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
