My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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