Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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