Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
