I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My liver just had a heart attack.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
