i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
