you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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