remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
