Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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