I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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