The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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