Will you blow on my dice?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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