he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
