I am midnight drunk by noon
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Randomize
