You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
