I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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