I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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