She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
