I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
