why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
