What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tell her she can't have a vagina
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
