No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
