For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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