I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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