she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
