he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
