Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
