You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
