In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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