no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
