3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
