if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
