I'm eating all of the evidence.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
