remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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