a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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