'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
